Regret
by Midnight Minute
Summary: Regret was a funny, awful thing. Looking back, Levi wasn't sure what he really could have done, or maybe should have done differently, yet even still the constant pang of regret continually gripped at his awareness, clouding his judgement and deterring his sleep. It was true; he missed her. It was Valentine's Day and he was alone at her grave, and gods, did he miss her.


Welcome back readers!

I feel as though I need to apologize in advance for this piece, because I swore to myself that I would never write a piece in response towards Petra's dying – at least not a deliberate response from Levi, anyway. Seems I can't keep any promises anymore, can I?

These past few, well, past few whatevers anyhow, a lot has been on my mind about loss, regret, and the ever so lovely world of should of, could of, would of's that everyone deals with from time to time – especially with Valentine's day right around the corner.

I'm happy to say that this is only one of two pieces I am writing. This one is more of a dark piece, and so if it makes no sense whatsoever, I'm terribly sorry. It was something I really wanted to write out, because it's very honest, and raw, and I find it inspiring in its own twisted sort of way. Rest assured that the other piece is much less dark, and should give a few good laughs and warm fuzzies this piece is quite devoid of.

Regardless, enjoy! Hopefully a more happy Valentine's piece to follow in a few more days, but as always no promises!

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Regret was a funny, awful thing. Looking back, Levi wasn't sure what he really could have, or should have done differently, yet even still the constant pang of regret continually gripped at his awareness, clouding his judgment and deterring his sleep.

How long had it been now; was it days or hours, or had it in fact been years?

Some days, Levi felt old, like the pain of loss had run him ragged and left him empty. Other days, the pain was so fresh that it seemed to burn red hot, threatening to burn him alive and drive him straight to madness. Some days were so easy and Levi felt he was finally able to accept the past and move toward the future, but other days, other days were suffocatingly impossible.

Today was one of those days.

Truth be told, he couldn't pretend like he had been expecting anything different. Levi had been dreading this day for so long now, and now that it was finally here, it truly threatened to break him. The very air seemed to weigh down on him and choke him to nothingness. Time ran slower and the fact the sun shined so brightly served only to spite him.

Today was Valentine's Day. While most people got to spend the day together, Levi found that he could only spend his hours in bitter solitude; his only solace now being far out of his reach. He had lost it all. He lost his squad, his friends; he had lost _her_.

In the Scout Regiment, loss was such a common experience that part of their routine learning material was to know and understand the five key stages of the grieving process; Levi of course was no exception. He knew each of the stages by heart, knew how each stage progressed, and knew how it was supposed to guide the person to a sort of peace and understanding. Try as he may, he could never see anything positive and never felt that he had made any progress since the loss of his team. After countless nights of anger, depression, and denial – key parts in this 'grieving process' – Levi knew he had gained no ground.

How could he, when he had lost so much? What was left to build up from?

As much as it hurt to have lost his team, today he couldn't help but focus on _her_, on Petra. The loss of her and all she had meant to him was such a different sort of ache entirely; it left a bitterness in him that only seemed to get worse with each passing day.

While Levi had never fully been able to act on it due to his stature as her commanding officer, he was no fool to how Petra felt towards him. Looking back, it was perhaps pure selfishness on his end, being able to feel all her love but never actively return it, even though her feelings were far from unrequited.

Levi had always reasoned somehow that she just _knew _how he felt. It was because of his position he couldn't truly respond, but that never stopped him from leaving a few hints here and there from time to time. Be it a lingering glance or the fact that he was always over protective of her, in little ways he purposefully allowed the message to slip that he cared for her too, but as he found himself standing there at her grave on Valentine's Day, he felt completely stupid.

What had he been thinking, leaving a trail of bread crumbs where real words of promise, looks of assurance, and touches of love should have been? She had deserved much more than that, and giving her anything less had been selfish and cruel. He should have told her every day how grateful he was to have met her, how her smile saved him day after day, how her laughter lifted his spirits, or how her devotion made him want to be a better man. He should have held her hand, or gently tucked her wayward bangs behind her ear in a lingering and gentle caress.

He should have kissed her, at least once. _Damn it, he should have kissed her._

The weight of all that could have been was debilitating, and even though he was looking at nothing more than a tombstone, Levi found it difficult to raise his gaze to meet the etching of her name across the stone, as though somehow she would be there, watching him with disapproval in her eyes.

Taking a deep breath, Levi fiddled with the red rose in his hand, feeling silly even now. Regardless of all the things he wished he had done, the fact remained that Levi was far from experienced when it came to true, honest intimacy. Sure he had been with women in the past, but none that mattered.

None like Petra.

"Sorry," Levi began, sitting down slightly on the edge of tombstone, his heart feeling heavy, "if this is weird. Honestly I don't even know if you'll even hear this or not. Not like I know how this whole thing works."

He sighed then, knitting his eyebrows together as he forced words out of his mouth, "I'm not really good at this type of thing, you know?"

Levi could imagine Petra there in front of him; he could see her responding to his words because she always was so perfectly predictable to him. She would look at him with amusement, bringing a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle as she watched him strive for words. He would undoubtedly become flustered with her amusement, say 'fuck this' and storm away, knowing that she would find his antics more cute than offensive. He would act irritated or aloof, but she would see right through him; she always did.

Looking around and seeing nothing other than the many graves surrounding him, Levi sighed lowly and continued in a whisper, "Honestly Petra, you are such a fool. You always wanted a reaction out of me. You were always there, trying to see that mask break if only a little."

Regardless the fact that he could practically feel his heart crumbling piece by piece, a smirk came to his lips, "Well, are you happy now? I feel undone, but you aren't even around to see it. Is that what you wanted I wonder? I know you wanted to see more vulnerability and weakness, but damn it Petra…" Levi shook his head, crossing his arms over his chest defensively as if trying to hold himself together, "That's just not how I am."

Levi hung his head and slowly dropped his arms to his sides, his voice quiet and broken, not having spoke words like this to anyone before, "I wish I knew _how_ to be more raw and open; I wish I could have talked more freely about life, to you, just like you always wanted, but it's not who I am. You were fucking great, and you were wonderful, but you were blind too you know? I can't be something I'm not."

Frowning, Levi felt his throat growing tight as sorrow washed over him, "I'm… sorry that I couldn't give you a future, Petra. I wanted so much more for you… for… for _us_" Levi stated in a whisper, finding the words becoming increasingly difficult to choke out, "You deserved the very best – deserved more than I could ever give, but I..." Levi paused again, "You were so persistent in your own way, that even though it was beyond me, even though I could never be the man you needed, I… I wanted to try."

Levi gave a small laugh to break the growing silence because even the sound of his own fake laughter was better than nothing. He gave another sigh, looking up toward the sky and hoping that Petra was somewhere up there, listening.

If things had turned out differently, if he had the opportunity to have Petra back in his arms again, what would he do differently? Would he demand she be kept safe and that she leave the military forces? Would he also leave the Survey Corps and pursue a life together with her? While Levi could never imagine himself living such a fantasy, mainly because he knew that deep down he was not _deserving_ of such a good thing; for her, for _Petra_, he would try.

Or maybe, Levi pondered further, they wouldn't have to leave it all behind in exchange for a 'normal' life. Petra was such a perfect, simple girl; she would have been more than contempt with just being there with him, being herself, problems of being in the military and different ranks and all. It would be complicated and there would be a lot of hassle and red tape, but she wouldn't mind. He would hold her through the night and listen to her thoughts and ideals, exchanging thoughts and ideals of his own. It would be messy, and it would be broken and flawed, but she would be happy.

If it really would have been that simple,_ why_ did he have to make it so complicated? Why did he have to turn it into a matter of rank and moral obligation, a complete impossibility even? He been so blind to the wonderful gift she was to him, and too stubborn to openly accept her love. Why was it that he could only appreciate her fully when she was gone past his reach?

Gritting his teeth and finding his eyes starting to burn, Levi brought a hand to his throbbing temple, hot frustration running through his veins. He had been so contempt in just accepting things how they were that he let it pass him by, not know then just how much he was letting go of. It was his damned pride; it was his smirk and his inability to change his ways. It was his persistent nature and his sneering taunts. He had had it all, and he fucking let it go.

He felt like such a goddamned fool.

"I just wish…" he stated in exasperation, leaning down fully and folding his hands, feeling utterly broken, "I just wish things could be different… that you could be here… with me… on Valentine's Day."

As the silence dragged on, Levi gave another small sigh, racking a hand through his hair as he stood fully, placing the single red rose on the tombstone and feeling the icy coolness of the rock just below his fingertips, "But who am I kidding? You're probably much happier right? I _know_ I fucked up enough, so I wouldn't be surprised one bit."

Looking at the rose, a stark contrast of life and passion against a sea of grey and loss, Levi scowled, taking a step back from her grave. Feeling a sudden bout of emotion as the reality of it all weighed down on him, Levi pursed his lips and felt his eyes narrow, glaring at the vibrant red rose.

"Actually, I take it back." Levi stated firmly, his voice taking a firm edge, "I'm glad things ended the way they did, you hear me Petra? I'm _glad_ that you are gone and that you are out of my life. It's like a damned breath of fresh fucking air! I'm glad that you are enjoying your life while I'm left here to suffer alone with all your memories."

Looking up at the sky again, Levi gave an icy glare, a glare he knew would have left Petra quaking in her boots were she actually there with him, "Anything would be better than that joke of a thing we had before, whatever the hell it was. Shit, don't you get it Petra, I never needed you, and I never will!"

A silence followed his angry words, and Levi clenched his fists as he looked at the ground, eyes burning all the more as his emotions threatened to tear him apart fully. Taking another step backwards, Levi looked at the rose and her name etched across the tombstone once again, "Well, wherever you are Petra, Happy fucking Valentines Day, bitch; I hope you're damned happy."

Levi waited for a few minutes longer, feeling the silence all around him, the weight of his words resonating, only serving further to make him feel like shit. He was somehow hoping that his spiteful words might just enrage the ginger headed girl enough to bring her back.

He knew it was childish, and he knew it was impossible, but he wanted to hear her yell, hear her scream and demand his respect. He wanted to feel her suddenly there, her angry aura greatly overpowering his own like it always would when he pushed her too far. She would tug on his shoulder and whip him around until he faced her; he would see her readied hand that would undoubtedly slap him, _hard_, her golden eyes swimming with furry at his disrespectful words. He wanted to send her into a fucking _tirade_; she would spout out irrational words and keep shouting at him until she were red in the face and heaving for breath.

She would throw insults at him, he imagined things like 'You ungrateful bastard' or 'How dare you say that to me after all we've been through, you conceited prick!' and he would stand dumbfounded, acting like her behavior took him by surprise, when really, he knew his and her part word for word.

Levi would take anything at all, even her scorn would be welcome if it meant she came back; but as the silence continued to drag on and the minutes passed one by one, Levi felt that rising and heated bitterness turn into cold empty despair.

No, what they had, what they _should_ have had, was gone. There were no petty insults to be exchanged, and no more time to share. All that was left of her was the memories and countless regrets Levi would never, and _could_ never forgive himself for.

But, Levi decided silently as he moved back towards her grave, if that's all he had, if that was the only immortal piece of Petra he could hold onto, then he would take it gladly. Even though the memories left little more than hallow emptiness and searing pain from all that was lost, it was a fair trade, he reasoned, and more than he could ask for after all he had put her through.

Kneeling down on the ground, Levi placed his forehead against the stone as familiar loneliness coursed over him, the coolness of the stone somehow soothing his troubled mind, if only for a small and fleeting moment.

"I'm sorry that I'm such an idiot. Thank you Petra, for everything."

He stood up, looking at the rose, so alive and bright and beautiful, then to the name, the single name that held so much of his heart and all the promise of tomorrow that had died with her.

"I love you, Petra. I always will." He gave a small broken smile, putting his hands in his pockets as he turned to leave, "…Happy Valentine's Day."

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As always, thank you for reading, and sorry again that such a happy holiday inspired this… not so happy piece.

On a somewhat different note however, small bit of advice here from a writer to her readers: For those who feel 'alone' on this holiday, I know Valentine's Day is culturally a day celebrating that special, intimate between a couple sort of love, but I encourage you to appreciate what you have around you – be that your boyfriend, best friend, mom, dog, or favorite niece.

Life is _far_ too short to dwell on the things you don't have, and similarly far too short to forget about the things that have now. Buy those flowers and chocolates, and send it to someone you care about. Trust me, you can really make someone's day, and you'd be surprised the good it does for you as well.

Anyhow, thanks for the support as always, I greatly appreciate how supportive my readers have always been, so wishing YOU a wonderful and blessed Valentine's Day! Have a good one yall :)

~Midnight


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